How do I talk about the donor and donor-conception with my child?

The things I share in this post are based on my own experience as a Solo Mom, and on the things I´ve learned listening to podcasts, reading about donor-conceived adults´experiences on websites and social media, and from my professional experience as a (not donor-conception specialised) therapist. My ideas are biased based on my own conviction that the child´s experience is what is the most important. After all, they were born into this life that we´ve purposefully created for them, and they deserve to be center stage. In my humble opinion. ;)

As a parent of a donor-conceived child, you may feel like you want to wait with donor-related conversations until your child brings up the topic, because you don´t want to trigger any problems. Unfortunately this can have the opposite effect. Research shows that the earlier a child knows, the more normal it feels and the least likelihood they have to later develop identity or mental health problems.

Having donor-conception conversations with your child

One thing to consider is that you want your child to feel comfortable talking about donor-conception. To achieve this, he/she has to know that you are happy to talk it. And how do they know this? By you bringing up the topic on your own initiative, with lots of space for and acceptance of the child´s feelings (however difficult they may be for you), with open words and with relaxed non-verbal communication. And I know: this can take practice!

Why on your own initiative?

From what I´ve learned, kids who have to initiate the conversation themselves can feel that maybe their parent is uncomfortable to bring up the subject. Of course, kids have an incredible loyalty to their parent. This might lead kids to keep their questions or feelings to themselves, not wanting to hurt you. So show them that you are happy to talk to them by taking the lead! Of course, this doesn´t mean you should bring up the topic all the time, so don´t overdo it. Find the middle ground. 

The basic conversation

So, you want to tell your kid about their conception and the donor. But how, and what words do you use? Assuming a Solo Mother by Choice situation, the basic conversation about donor conception can include the following parts:

• how babies are made with different parts: an egg, a seed/sperm, and that they grow in a belly/uterus
• that Mommy had an egg (and a uterus), but no seed/sperm
• that sperm comes from a man, which can be a Daddy, but in your baby´s case, it was a donor

Keep it simple and casual. Show pictures. A short version of this basic explanation is also included in my book Tommy´s Donor Dad. Other books on the topic of donor-conception and alternative family structures can be found by pushing the button below.

Continuing the conversation(s)

So what are some questions you can ask or things you can say to have this continuing conversation about donor-conception? Here are some options, and obviously you have to keep in mind your child´s level of understanding and development. Stay curious and open, and realise that this is an ongoing conversation. I´ve used some references to the main character of my book so you can also see how to use that as a starting point.

• Do you ever think about the donor? (If yes, then:) What is it that you think about? What are you curious about?
• How do you feel about not having a Dad in the same way other kids do? Do you ever feel different from other kids like Tommy does? Does it ever make you sad/angry/embarrassed/unique/proud/..??
• Tommy in the book decides to call the donor his Donor Dad. What words do you want to use to describe the donor? Options may be: biological father, bio Dad, genetic Dad/father, their name or alias if you know this, donor father/Dad, or whichever word feels right for them. (And remember, the child can choose, it´s their life and biological parent, so it´s important to know what feels right to them)
• What kinds of families do your friends/class mates have? (If you have the Tommy´s Donor Dad book: Do you recognise any of the family structures in the book in the picture with all the families?)

• Do kids at school ever ask you about your parents? What do you say?
  

If hard feelings come up, stay curious. Ask questions like: "What is it that you miss exactly about not having a Dad" or "Why does it make you feel this way?" Hold space. Hold them (if they want ;)). See if together you can also think of solutions, if there are any. And if not, just be there for them, with them. After all, you´re their single most important person.

And then?

Keep the conversation going. As kids grow, they´ll have different questions, thoughts, and feelings about this topic. And they might catch you off guard, so make sure you also work through your own emotions. 

Here´s a personal example: I´ve been talking to my son about his conception story since day 1. I made him a personalised book about how he came to be. It contains pictures of the hospital, him as an embryo (still can´t believe that!), talking about how Mommy used a donor, etc. I´d been reading it to him since he was a few weeks old, and quite regularly. So I didn´t see it coming when at age 2 he came home from daycare and asked me: "Mommy, is my Daddy dead?". For some reason it hit me hard. I answered in as relaxed a manner as I could, responding that Mommy used a donor to get pregnant, like in the book, remember? But inside I was feeling shock and a strong, sudden sadness. A moment of intense realisation that the absence of a father figure is really my son´s daily reality. I hadn´t felt this sadness before, and it took me some time to process it. My son didn´t seem sad about it at all, he just went about his business as two-year-olds do. I am grateful to know my son feels safe to share his questions, thoughts, and feelings with me, and I do think that has to do with our early conversations.

I´m very curious to get feedback! Have you started the conversation(s) already? How do you talk to your child? How does or did your child respond? Any helpful questions or comments that you would add?