When we dream about having a child or a family, donor-conception is usually not the first path we consider. Finally, when we do choose the path of Solo Motherhood, we are often preoccupied with thoughts and questions about our fertility, how we´re actually going to get pregnant, and - if we have a choice - which donor to choose. Our first thoughts are not often about how to have conversations with our (future) child(ren) about their conception.
In my case, before I chose to go ahead with having a baby, I had researched a bit about the effects of donor-conception on mental health for the donor-conceived children (as fitting to a psychologist). Most research articles were quite optimistic, mentioning that there were no differences in mental health outcomes between donor-conceived kids and non-donor-conceived. At least for children and adolescents, because I didn´t come across many adult studies. Here and there I read advice about early disclosure. So I said to myself that I would tell my baby from birth onwards that he was donor-conceived, so that it would never be a surprise, and to practice being comfortable with this conversation.
But it was only after having my baby boy that I really became aware of many (very difficult to read and hear) negative stories from donor-conceived adults. Some found out about their donor-conception late, or were never even told but found out by accident. During my IVF treatment, I was never councelled or guided on the experiences of donor-conceived children. The main aim was to get pregnant. It came as a shock to me that many donor-conceived adults were actually quite unhappy about the way they came to this world. I had to work through some hard feelings. Ultimately, like every parent, I want my child to be happy. As if that´s possible, right? But the next best thing, in my opinion, is loving and supporting my child through difficult emotions, donor-conception-related or otherwise. Wanting to give him the language to talk about these difficult topics. I decided to write a story for him that he could relate to. I felt inspired and thought it might help other Moms too. Tommy´s Donor Dad is the result. My wish is that this book will be helpful for him and many others.